


Hidden Desires

by Feriku



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, BDSM, Bondage, Consensual Non-Consent, Kink, Lack of Communication, Light Sadism, Lots of failing to talk about kink, Lots of thinking about kink, M/M, Masochism, Non-Explicit, Post-Canon, Shame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-13 21:24:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14121135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feriku/pseuds/Feriku
Summary: Jesper is worried that his interest in kinky sex would scare Wylan away. Wylan is too ashamed of his kinks to talk about them. As they try to hide their secret desires, they begin to drift apart.





	1. Fears

**Author's Note:**

> I've been feeling down lately, so what better way to handle it than to torment these two?
> 
> (I also want to clarify quick that since there are apparently different definitions, I used the CNC tag in the rape play sense.)

“Are you happy, merchling?” Jesper trailed his fingers over Wylan’s bare shoulders.

Beside him on the bed, Wylan jumped. “Yes, of course.”

“You sure? Nothing’s bothering you?”

“Nothing.” Wylan smiled, then got up. “I should get ready to go, though. It’s going to be a busy day.”

“Yeah.”

Something was wrong. Whenever Wylan was unhappy, Jesper wanted to do everything in his power to make it better, but this seemed unreachable. Most of the time, Wylan was his old self. Even when he had to deal with work and hide his inability to read, he came out of it smiling.

But there were other times when something else lurked beneath the surface, some strange unhappiness he refused to discuss.

Jesper didn’t think the smile was fake. It was definitely a smile, just a lifeless one. Like Wylan was happy, but not happy _enough._ Like he needed something and didn’t know how to ask.

The worst part was, it usually happened when they were in bed. They’d look at each other, and there would just be something missing in Wylan’s gaze. A joy that used to be there but had started to fade. This time, it wasn’t even something that only happened after sex. Wylan woke up in the morning and looked at him and the expression was there.

Was it… him?

Jesper would never admit it out loud, because Wylan’s happiness meant more to him than his own, but the thought of life without Wylan terrified him. Whenever he saw that look, he wanted to clutch at Wylan and beg him not to leave.

But he couldn’t.

Wylan’s happiness mattered. Jesper knew he was a wreck of a person at times, even though he’d started to improve. If he wasn’t what Wylan wanted, then he deserved better. He deserved the best of everything. Jesper wouldn’t be a shackle to hold him down, no matter what they once meant to each other.

Still, as he watched Wylan get dressed for the day, he wondered where he’d gone wrong. Wylan hadn’t expressed any disappointment with him. Could he have simply fallen out of love?

Or did he _know_?

Jesper had many fantasies he never shared with Wylan. He wanted to—Wylan was the only one in his thoughts these days, always Wylan—but he didn’t know how he would react. Had the innocent merchling even heard of kink before, or would he think Jesper was some kind of maniac?

Saints, Wylan barely referenced sex at all, and when he did, he usually called it _making love_ , a phrase that sounded sweet and tender and worlds away from Jesper’s private fantasies.

Every now and then, he considered bringing it up, but there was no casual way to do it. He didn’t want Wylan to think he was dissatisfied with their relationship. What if he took it to mean Jesper would rather someone else?

Worse, what if it scared him away? That nightmare was on the heels of every fantasy. Every time the mental image of Wylan bound and trembling left him so breathless and needy he wanted to ask Wylan if he'd ever try it, he imagined Wylan backing away from him in horror.

 _You want to tie me up?_ Wylan said in his imagination. _That’s disgusting._

_You’d get off on hurting me? What’s wrong with you?_

_Don’t you love me anymore?_

_How can you look at me and think of something that like?_

Those imagined reactions came through so much stronger than the fantasies where Wylan agreed and loved it and asked for more that Jesper didn’t dare risk it.

Wylan was too precious for him to ever risk their relationship. He’d suppress his urges and pretend they didn’t exist if it meant he could keep his merchling happy.

Except Wylan wasn’t happy anymore, and that might mean he let something slip. Jesper kept a good grip on hiding those thoughts, but he could have hinted at something without realizing it, maybe made an offhand comment he forgot or mentioned the idea when he drank too much… or made a joke about it. Jesper rubbed his face. He made so many innuendos and insinuations he barely kept track of what came out of his mouth, as long as it made Wylan blush. He must have mentioned tying him up one too many times.

Or flogging.

Yes, he’d definitely made a flogging comment. They’d gotten a bottle of wine to celebrate the anniversary of their first meeting, and then a second bottle of wine when they finished the first, and when Wylan said he was going to take the bottle away, Jesper had made a tipsy comment about having him flogged. He’d regretted it immediately, but his wine-addled mind thought only of Wylan’s father hurting him, not about Wylan’s innocence, and so he’d blurted out that flogging could be sexier than it sounded.

The rest of the evening was a haze of drinking and kissing and Wylan tugging his clothes off, but that stupid, accidental comment might have stood out more than he thought.

Did Wylan look at him in bed and wonder if he was a monster deep down? Was he afraid? Had he worked out enough to have an idea, but not enough to realize Jesper would never harm him? If so, Jesper should talk to him about it—but it would ruin everything if Wylan’s distress came from something different.

Saints, what if he’d hurt him without realizing it? Wylan blushed at the drop of a hat and preferred to hint and tease his way into bed. What if one of those times, Jesper had assumed he was asking and he _wasn’t_? He still sometimes showed doubts about his self-worth. He might have been afraid to say no, for fear that Jesper would leave him.

“Merchling,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

Partway dressed, Wylan glanced over his shoulder and walked back to the bed. “What is it?”

“I love you.”

Wylan laughed. “You called me over here just to tell me that?” He leaned close for a kiss. “I love you too.”

Saints, was it all just built-up paranoia from keeping the secret so long? The kiss was warm and sweet, no trace of distance. Jesper tugged Wylan against him and kissed him harder, letting the taste of Wylan’s mouth drive back the fear of losing him.

“Jesper…” Wylan pulled back and ran a soft hand down his cheek. “Is something wrong?”

“Not as long as you’re with me.”

Worry filled those wonderful blue eyes. “Will you be all right today? I can send a message to the Merchant Council and say I can’t make it, or you could come with me.”

Saints, he was precious. Jesper could look at Wylan all day long and not get his fill. “You don’t have to do that. Just… come home to me.”

Wylan’s eyebrows lifted. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Oh, right, it’s your house.”

“Even if it wasn’t, why wouldn’t I?” He folded his arms. “Did you find some romance novel left here by Alys and it put funny notions in your head?”

Jesper laughed. “No.” His own anxiety handled that far better than a romance novel ever could. “I just love you so much.”

“Then don’t worry about anything.”

And his smile was so caring, so sweet, that Jesper couldn’t bear it any longer. He sat up and caught Wylan’s hand in his. “There is something, Wy. Something that’s been bothering me.”

“What is it?”

“You just seem… distant, lately. Like you aren’t all there.”

“It’s nothing.”

“You can talk to me.”

Wylan hesitated. His gaze grew shadowed. “It’s… not something that’s easy to talk about.”

Oh Saints, this was it. He knew about Jesper’s fantasies and it scared him. Jesper squeezed his hand. “Before you continue, I want you to know something.” He drew in a deep breath. “I’d never, ever hurt you.”

 _…without your permission_ , his mind finished, but he left that part go unsaid. If he tried to explain to Wylan how he could hurt someone without harming them, and Wylan didn’t believe him, it would be a disaster. Better to shove those fantasies far away where they couldn’t be misinterpreted.

“Never?” Wylan asked.

Jesper’s heart ached. “Of course not!” He couldn’t keep the distress from his voice. “How… How could you ever think…” He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “The thought of hurting you makes me sick.”

“I believe you.”

He exhaled. “Thank you.”

Wylan tugged his hand free and walked away from the bed. “Now I really need to keep getting dressed.”

“Wait, what about whatever’s been bothering you?”

“It doesn’t matter now.” Wylan glanced over his shoulder and gave him that same sad smile. “It’s not important.”

That really was it, then. Jesper swung his legs out of bed to follow Wylan and beg him to believe that he was sincere, but thought better of it. If Wylan had figured out his fantasies and took them the wrong way, chasing him down in the bedroom wouldn’t help anyone.

So instead he stayed where he was, and smiled when Wylan kissed him goodbye—how could he kiss him if he felt that way?—and pretended everything was all right.

Once Wylan left the house, the tears fell. Jesper covered his face and cried. He was losing him, losing his precious merchling, and he didn’t know how to get him back. Even if Wylan wouldn’t say it yet, it was inevitable. There was a wedge between them, and it would grow and grow, and one day he’d leave.

Jesper tried to imagine life without Wylan. It left a hollow, merchling-shaped void in his chest. _No._ He couldn’t give up. There had to be a way.

He took a deep breath. All he had to do was figure out exactly what the problem was and take steps to correct it. First, he had to treat Wylan gently. Only sweetness and tenderness, nothing that could hint that he wanted something rougher, and sex only when Wylan made his desire certain. Second, he had to find out exactly what Wylan knew about his kinks.

And third, he had to pretend that it was something in the past, a phase he was over, so Wylan would never have to fear it.

It didn’t feel right. It felt like denying a part of himself.

But he’d do whatever it took to not lose Wylan.


	2. Dreams

Wylan never thought he’d be happy to deal with the Merchant Council.

Yet it kept him busy enough to take his mind off of everything else. Dealing with the councilmen, pretending to read documents by identifying what they were and rattling off the text he’d memorized with Jesper the night before, handling business deals and long discussions of economics—it was boring and draining, but it required nearly all of his attention.

Once he was on his way back home, his mind returned to the unfortunate problem at hand.

Jesper knew something was wrong. Maybe he even suspected what. It must have been the flogging comment that time when they got drunk during a celebration. Jesper had implied it would be sexy to flog Wylan, and although Wylan’s memories of the evening were rather hazy, he was pretty sure he’d responded by tearing Jesper’s clothes off.

He’d never mentioned it again after that, but he could have put the pieces together and realized the thought of flogging—just a joke when Jesper said it, nothing he really intended to do—aroused Wylan to the point where he could barely restrain himself.

_I’d never, ever hurt you._

_The thought of hurting you makes me sick._

Did he have to make it sound so definite? Was there no room in there at all for discussion? He sounded horrified by the very thought. Maybe he should. That was the depressing conclusion Wylan kept trying to ignore, that there was just something wrong with him.

He opened the mansion doors and walked inside. “I’m home.”

“Hey.” Jesper emerged from the parlor and treated him to a gentle smile. “We’re having all your favorite foods for dinner tonight.”

“Thank you.”

“No need for thanks, merchling.” Jesper strode across the room and kissed him. It was the lightest, gentlest kiss imaginable. “I love you.”

Saints, it would be so much better if he would use a little force, not enough to be weird, but maybe just grab his shoulders and slam him against the wall and kiss like he owned him. Or was that too much? It wasn't  _enough_ , but was it too much?

“Wylan?”

The note of fear in Jesper’s voice made Wylan realize he’d responded to his declaration of love with dead silence. “I love you, too.” Did Jesper know his secret and think wanting to be hurt--and forced--meant he couldn’t feel love anymore? “Don’t worry about that.”

“Who, me?” Jesper’s smile looked fake. “Not at all. You just seem a little out of it again, that’s all.”

Maybe if Wylan tried hard enough, he could get a close approximation to what he needed. Every now and then, Jesper lost some of his restraint in bed and went at him with a hint of roughness that made Wylan’s heart sing.

“It was a long day,” he said. “I need to relax.”

“Relax away, merchling, the mansion is all yours.”

That didn’t work. “I need to let off some steam.”

“The merchers got you all worked up, did they?” Jesper laughed. “I know how it is. If you need to rant, I’m all ears.”

 _Rant?_ Normally Jesper didn’t miss hints like this. He could take a comment about the weather to be innuendo. That made things a lot easier. Suggesting they have sex embarrassed Wylan, but when he could tease and let Jesper sweep him off to the bedroom, it was paradise.

That wasn’t working today.

“I don’t think that’ll do it,” Wylan said, with a smile he hoped look coy despite his growing annoyance. “I need to let loose.” And drop all of his own restraint, lower the guard he had to keep up all day long. “I need to work this whole day out of my system.”

“Any way I can help?” Jesper asked.

They’d gone through this routine almost every day, ever since Wylan started going to meetings on his own. When Jesper didn’t initiate things and Wylan wanted attention, he hinted, Jesper flirted, and they ended up in bed.

It always worked without fail. Why wasn’t it working now?

Anxiety built inside of Wylan. Had Jesper picked up on enough of his private ideas to think he was completely broken, and he didn’t want him anymore?

“Of course you can help. Dinner isn’t for a while yet.” He forced down his panic and gave the stairs a meaningful look. “My mother should be busy painting now. We won’t be disturbed. We have all this time to ourselves.”

“What can I do?”

He still didn’t take the hint. He had to be doing it deliberately.

“Nothing,” Wylan whispered, broken and useless and unwanted.

Jesper’s arms were around him in an instant. “What’s wrong?” For a moment, the embrace tightened into a gloriously reassuring squeeze, but then he loosened his grip to such a delicate touch, it was as if he thought Wylan was made of glass. “What do you need?”

“You _know_ what I need. I want you to take me upstairs and”— _and have your way with me_ —“make love to me.”

“All right, sweetheart. Let’s go.”

Relief made Wylan sag against him. “You want to?” _You still want me?_

“Of course.”

It was all his imagination, then.

“You know,” Jesper said, his voice hesitant. “I was wondering if you’d like to be on top for a change.”

Wylan stared at him. He was always on the bottom, ever since the first night they shared a bed, when he’d blushed and stammered and squirmed in response to Jesper’s inquiry about his preferences and finally mumbled that he wanted to be on the bottom.

And if he was on top, it would be that much harder to pretend. He couldn’t even close his eyes and imagine he was being pinned down.

“I mean, not everyone wants to do the same thing all the time. You could take the lead.”

“Do I have to?” Wylan asked.

Jesper’s eyes widened. “No, of course not. You don’t have to do anything. Do you think I’d force you?”

 _Please._ “No.”

“I just thought maybe you weren’t enjoying it as much.”

“I want to be on the bottom,” he said, his cheeks hot at expressing his desires even in such a simple way. No wonder he couldn’t talk to Jesper about the urges tearing him up inside.

“Good.” Jesper stroked his hair. “I don’t want to do anything that makes you unhappy.”

That sounded like an invitation to speak his mind. Maybe he could do it. Maybe he could just say it. Ask. Plead. Promise Jesper he wasn’t broken and beg for relief from the fantasies that haunted his dreams.

“I don’t want to do anything to hurt you,” Jesper murmured.

Wylan’s stomach dropped. No, he couldn’t ask Jesper to hurt him when he said things like that. “Let’s go,” he whispered.

#

Wylan woke up in the middle of the night, his heart rate fast, his breath shallow, and his legs embarrassingly sticky.

This was a new dream. This one placed him back with the Dregs, on a dangerous heist, where Jesper’s frustration and anxiety drove him to take it all out on Wylan, forcing him to the ground in an alleyway where no one could hear them.

He looked at Jesper, who lay sound asleep, undisturbed by wild fantasies. Sweet, beautiful Jesper. He’d been so tender and gentle all evening long, Wylan thought he was going to scream from frustration. Even at dinner, Jesper treated him like a fragile thing that might break.

But what could he say?

_Jesper, I know you keep saying you won’t hurt me, but I really want you to hurt me._

_Jesper, please don’t think I’m some sort of freak, but there isn’t nearly enough pain when we make love._

_Jesper, I know you love me and would never hurt me, but I keep having wet dreams about you raping me._

None of those sounded like something he could actually admit out loud.

With a sigh, Wylan slipped out of bed and snuck to get a towel so he could clean up the sheets enough to mask what had happened. Maybe he _was_ broken. He reflected on the gloomy possibility as he cleaned. Surely no normal person would have dreams like that, not unless they were nightmares. These definitely weren’t nightmares.

Could his past have left him so messed up, he didn't even experience sexual desire like a normal person?

He finished his task, discarded the towel, and trudged back to bed. It didn’t _seem_ like the lingering effects of damaged self-worth. The dream had been so good. He closed his eyes and remembered the fantasy of Jesper’s hands sliding across his body as he struggled, Jesper pounding into him without any care for his comfort, Jesper making him scream and cry and beg for it to stop, only to be denied.

Saints, if only Jesper would do something remotely close to that in reality.

The thought made him groan softly in need.

“Wylan?”

He jumped.

Beside him, Jesper blinked at him in the darkness. “Is everything all right?”

“Yes. No.” He had to do it. He had to try. “I want to talk about something.”

“What is it?”

Wylan’s heart hammered like crazy. He couldn’t talk about all of it, but maybe he could take a step in the right direction. “Have you ever…” He searched for the right words to make it sound reasonable. Of course, the joke. “Do you remember when you talked about flogging me?”

“That was a joke.”

“Of course.” He forced a laugh. “So you’ve never…” He swallowed hard. “You’ve never actually thought about doing something like that?”

“No,” Jesper said, too quickly.

“Maybe not flogging, but other things like that. Causing pain.”

“Did I give you that impression?” Jesper spoke fast, his voice unusually high-pitched. “I didn’t mean to scare you or anything. If I gave you that impression, it’s probably because I did once. But I’m over it.”

“Over it?”

“Don’t worry, merchling, my tastes are completely normal now.”

Wylan felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. “Oh.” Normal. As opposed to his abnormal fantasies. “I see.”

“I’d never do that to you.”

Never. Never meant _never._ “Great.” He tried to sound happy, even though the emptiness inside him would remain there forever. “Good night, Jes.”

“Night, Wylan.”

Wylan buried his face in the pillow to muffle his tears.


	3. Conversation

The mansion felt too big and too confining at the same time. Jesper paced in every room, one after the other. Nothing calmed his thoughts.

Normally, he’d be doing things for Wylan. While Wylan was away, Jesper helped with dinner, organized the papers they’d need to discuss, or just look for ways to make his sweet merchling happy. It was a different life than he’d been used to, but he’d grown to love it.

For the past week, however, things had started to fall apart. Wylan no longer looked like he was missing something so much as like he’d been ripped in two, and every time Jesper touched him, he heard the whisper of his lies.

_I’m over it._

_My tastes are completely normal now._

He’d pretended his interests were something abnormal he’d had to recover from, a twisted secret from his past. He’d transformed part of himself into something so dark and dirty he couldn’t discuss it with the person he loved. It would have been better to be honest with Wylan and have his desires rejected, than to live with this lie.

But if he backtracked after lying, it might seem even worse. And what then? Wylan would have questions—how far did it go, what things had he done? Lying would be harder then, and it might even lead to the locked box back at the Barrel where Jesper left all the toys and equipment he hadn’t dared bring to his new home. He couldn’t stand the thought of Wylan looking at them and looking at him and being afraid.

So Jesper paced and paced and wondered what he could do.

A slight cough made him nearly jump out of his skin. He whirled around. His pacing had taken him to a room where Marya sat working on one of her paintings.

He let out a long sigh. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you.” He turned toward the door to find a different place to mope.

“Are you sad?”

Jesper froze in mid-step. “Do I seem it?”

She nodded.

“I’m sorry.”

“What’s wrong?”

Conversation seemed to help Wylan’s mother, and there were many things Jesper would gladly discuss with her. This was not one of them. “It’s nothing.”

“Wylan has been sad, too.”

The words squeezed his heart like a vice. He forced a nod. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“He loves you.”

Would he still, if Jesper told the truth? “And I love him more than anything in the world.”

“Then why are you letting him go?”

He stared at her. Had it gotten so bad that even Marya noticed the gulf between them?

“You two have so much more than I did,” she said. “How can you let that joy slip away?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Then don’t.”

Jesper chuckled without humor. “I wish it were that simple. I lied to Wylan about something, okay? I lied because I was scared of losing him. Now I’m losing him anyway… but if I tell the truth, I’m afraid I’ll lose him faster.”

For a long moment, she just looked at him. Then she shook her head. “I don’t believe you’d keep a secret that could hurt my son.”

He looked down at the ground. “I’d never hurt him. Some things are just hard to explain.”

This was really, _really_ not a conversation he wanted to have with Marya. Telling her he wanted to have kinky sex with her son was the most embarrassing conversation he could imagine. If she asked for details, he’d have to flee the room.

“He’s strong, you know.”

Jesper glanced up. “What?”

“Wylan is strong. And kind.”

A smile tugged at his lips despite his misery. “Yeah, he’s pretty amazing.”

“Then why are you afraid to talk to him?”

Saints, what did this look like from her perspective? Jesper cringed. Marya, whose marriage had been a source of legitimate fear, was watching him stress out about a misunderstanding with the sweetest person in the world. His problems were nothing compared to hers.

“Don’t let him go,” Marya said.

Jesper opened his mouth to make a joke and escape the conversation, but the words caught in his throat. Part of him had accepted the fact that it was better to let Wylan drift away than to risk rejection over this. He’d started seeing it not as a terrible possibility, but as the inevitable conclusion—Wylan was going to break up with him.

“What if he won’t listen to me?” he asked. “What if I lose him even faster than if I said nothing?”

“Wylan loves you.”

She didn’t understand. This wasn’t a normal misunderstanding. Wylan was so gentle and innocent. How could he ever understand that Jesper fantasized about tying him up and inflicting pain on him, but in a _fun_ way?

If he was doomed to lose Wylan, he needed to cling to every scrap of time they had left together. He couldn’t risk it.

Marya shook her head and returned to her painting, her gaze sad.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to distract you with all of my worries. What are you painting today?”

Wordlessly, she turned the canvas around to face him. It showed a boy with red-gold hair and blue eyes, his arms wrapped around a tall Zemeni who looked at him with visible adoration.

Jesper swallowed hard. “All right. I’ll talk to him.”

#

Wylan trudged into the mansion. It was becoming harder and harder to walk through the door with a smile on his face. Work had become an escape from the growing rift between him and Jesper.

Every time they held each other, a voice in the back of his mind whispered that he was a broken freak.

How long? How long before Jesper gave up any hope that he could be normal and walked out of his life forever?

“Hey, Wylan.” Jesper emerged from the parlor. “How was your day?”

“It was okay.”

“Are you up for a chat?”

Wylan’s heart skipped a beat. “A chat?”

“I need to talk to you about something important.”

“Oh.” His voice sounded tiny to his own ears. “Sure.”

“Let’s talk in the parlor.”

Wylan’s chest constricted until he could barely breathe. This was it, the point where Jesper told him it had been worth a try, but he couldn’t keep doing this. He followed Jesper into the parlor and stared at the other boy’s face as they sat down together. He needed to memorize it, in case it was the last time.

Jesper took a deep breath. “Things haven’t been… great between us lately.”

No, not now, not like this, _please._

“I’ve wanted to talk to you for a long time, but I’ve been afraid. I’ve kept a lot of things to myself, because I was afraid of hurting you.”

Dragging it out just made it worse.

“But we have to talk about this, Wylan. _I_ have to talk about it.”

This was agony. “Just say it!” Tears choked his voice and he blinked them away. “If you’re going to break up with me, get it over with.”

“What?” Jesper caught his hand. “Saints, Wy, is that what you think this is?”

He drew a sharp breath. “It isn’t?”

“No! Not at all. We’re having this conversation because I don’t want to ever lose you.”

The tension drained from Wylan’s body and he relaxed against the cushions. “I don’t want to lose you, either.”

“I’m so glad to hear you say that.” Jesper leaned close to kiss him. “We’ll find a way to make things work, right?”

“Yes.”

“All right. The thing is… Wait, first I want to make this clear. You don’t have to try anything if you don’t want to, okay?”

“Okay.” He didn’t feel broken, but if Jesper had a way to fix this, he’d at least hear him out.

“So I, ah…” Jesper rubbed his chin. “Do you know what kink is?”

Wylan stared at him for a long time. Finally, he said, “You mean like your hair?”

Jesper burst out laughing and wrapped his arms around him. “Merchling, I love you, but this would be a lot easier if you weren’t so innocent.”

A bit indignant, he drew himself up. “I’m not _that_ innocent.”

“I’m trying to talk about sex, and you’re talking about hair.”

Wylan jutted his lower lip out in a pout, although he felt like singing. This was closer to the way things used to be between them. “Isn’t kinky hair a thing?”

“Yes, but it has nothing to do with kinky sex.” Jesper hesitated. “On second thought, there’s probably someone out there with a fetish for kinky hair, but that’s not what we’re talking about.”

“Then what are we talking about?” Wylan nuzzled Jesper’s neck. It felt so good to sit with him and talk. And kiss. In fact, this entire conversation felt like it could be saved until after some more kissing.

They weren’t breaking up. He wanted to sing _and_ dance. But mainly kiss. Wylan nibbled along Jesper’s jawline.

“Kink is…” Jesper squirmed and tilted his head away. “That’s very distracting, you know.”

“I know.” He didn’t stop.

Jesper caught him by the shoulders and kissed him, more firmly than he had in ages. His tongue found its way into Wylan’s mouth and he kissed with enough passion to leave Wylan flushed and breathless.

“Now,” Jesper said, “may I continue?”

Wylan nodded, a little giddy.

“As I was saying, kink is… basically any sort of sexual interest that could be considered unusual.”

Hope blossomed in Wylan’s chest.

Jesper took a deep breath. “I have some kinks.”

“ _You_ do?”

He flinched. “Nothing scary! I promise!”

Wylan tried to keep his excitement under control. Maybe his fantasies were still a secret after all. But if Jesper had the same sorts of desires he did…

“So I lied to you the other night,” Jesper said, a hint of panic in his voice. “I’m sorry. When I told you it was something from the past and I was ‘over’ it, that wasn’t true.”

Wylan hesitantly met his gaze. “Did you want to try something with me?”

Jesper’s eyes widened. “Not if you don’t want to. I’m happy with our relationship, Wy. I love you. I want you regardless of my fantasies.”

But he did fantasize about these things with him.

“I just wanted you to know the truth,” Jesper said. “I couldn’t keep lying about it. If it makes you uncomfortable, say the word and I’ll never bring it up again.”

“I want to try it.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Please.”

“All right.” Jesper gave him a shy smile. “Would you be okay with trying bondage? That means I’d tie you up. _Light_ bondage,” he said quickly. “Just a couple ropes or something.”

“Saints, yes!” Wylan’s cheeks burned as he realized how eager he sounded.

The emphasis on _light_ was a bit of a problem, but maybe they could start there and work their way up. Maybe he could encourage Jesper to add more and more restraints. This could be amazing.

Jesper smirked. “You’re more into this than I expected, merchling.”

That was the Jesper he knew. Wylan snuggled against him and closed his eyes. “I’m so happy things are back to normal again.”

“You don’t have to agree to this just because you want to make things better between us.”

“I’m not. I really want to try it.”

“All right. Don’t worry, we’ll go slow.”

Wylan relaxed as Jesper stroked his hair. The intimate touch felt wonderful. If Jesper could be open and honest about what he wanted, maybe it was time for Wylan to do the same. He drew a shaky breath. “Jes? Can I ask you something?”

“What is it?”

Mentioning the dreams was out. That could be interpreted the wrong way unless he went into far too much detail about how much he enjoyed them. Likewise, yelling _I want you to rape me_ might not get the right message across.

“I don’t know how a lot of this works.” In case his request was something strange and weird that no one did, he could pass it off as ignorance. “I never heard of, uh, ‘kink,’ before today. So…”

Worry filled Jesper’s gaze. “Yes?”

“Would you…” This was so embarrassing to ask. He needed a polite way to say it. “Would you take advantage of me?”

“No!” Jesper sat straight up and stared at him. “You think I’d do that to you?”

Cheeks hot, Wylan stared down at his hands.

“Is that what you think this is about?” Jesper asked.

“Sorry,” he whispered.

Jesper let out a long breath. “It’s okay. I understand. The stuff I’m talking about probably sounds strange and scary.”

Strange and scary. Was that what Wylan’s fantasies were, then?

“But I’ll never do anything without your consent.”

Wylan wiped his eyes. That aghast look on Jesper’s face would haunt his nightmares. “Please…” _Please don’t think I’m broken._ “Please let me try this with you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

At least Jesper would tie him down. That was close, a step in the right direction.

But if that was okay, just what was so wrong with what he wanted?


	4. Ropes

Jesper paced in the bedroom. They had the night to themselves. No one would interrupt them. He had everything he needed for aftercare, and he’d thought through the things he needed to explain.

Everything was set up. It would go fine. If he could just calm his lingering nerves…

Wylan bounded into the room with such enthusiasm he nearly knocked him down. “Is it time? Should I get undressed?”

“Sit down for a minute,” Jesper said.

His sweet merchling hopped onto the bed and all but bounced in place, excitement visible in the wide-eyed gaze he fixed on Jesper.

This was unexpected, to say the least. He’d expected to slowly ease a nervous Wylan into something they’d both enjoy. Instead, Wylan looked like he didn’t have any worries at all.

After their conversation, Jesper had asked him when he wanted to try bondage. He’d dreaded an answer of _someday_ and anticipated a request of a week or so to get used to the idea. To his surprise, Wylan wanted it _right then_ and seemed crestfallen when Jesper said he needed time to get a few things.

Still, Jesper wasn’t entirely sure this was genuine desire on Wylan’s part and not desperation to restore their relationship. They’d take things slowly and figure it out one step at a time.

He held up one of the coils of rope he’d brought. He had padded cuffs he’d prefer to use, but handcuffs seemed like a scarier choice to present to a beginner. “This is rope.”

Wylan giggled.

“I’ll use a knot that will keep it from tightening, but if it starts to hurt or you’re going numb or _anything_ doesn’t feel right, tell me immediately, okay?”

He nodded.

Jesper took a deep breath and picked up the next item. “These are shears. Ah!” Wylan’s eyes had grown huge. “I’m not going to use the shears on _you_ , merchling! They’re in case we need to remove the ropes quickly.”

“Oh. All right.”

He sounded… disappointed? Another surprise. Jesper filed that away as something to ask Wylan about later.

“How do you feel about this so far?” he asked.

Wylan blushed. “Excited.”

“I’m glad.” Jesper sat next to him and wrapped his arm around his shoulders. “Is there anything you want to ask? Anything you’re worried about?”

“No.”

“What about anything in particular you want me to do?”

Wylan tilted his head. “Are you going to tie me to the bed?”

“I don’t have to.”

“Would you _please_ tie me to the bed?”

“Sure.” Yet another puzzling development. He’d intended to tie Wylan’s wrists and let that be their first tiny foray into bondage together. “Anything else?”

“I just want to try what you like,” Wylan said with a shy smile.

“What are some things you _don’t_ want to do? Or lines you don’t want me to cross.”

He looked confused, as if he couldn’t imagine any possible boundaries when it came to being tied up. “I don’t know… I don’t want you to say anything mean to me, or anything like that.”

Saints, how had they gotten to humiliation from his request for light bondage? “I won’t do that.”

“Good. I don’t think I could. Ever.” Wylan cleared his throat. “That’s it. Everything else should be fine.”

Most likely he did have other limits, but Jesper could work with that. They’d go slow, and if they found more limits along the way, they’d backtrack.

“Are we ready?” Wylan asked.

“Almost.”

Was it time to mention safe words? No, coded words often seemed scary to newcomers who didn’t understand their purpose. Especially after what Wylan asked the other day about Jesper taking advantage of him, it felt like dangerous ground. Until he got more comfortable with the idea, he’d stick with simplicity.

“If you dislike anything we’re doing, just tell me to stop. You don’t need to worry about anything. If you say stop, I’ll stop.”

“But—”

At his protest, Jesper added, “Not that I’m going to anything that will make you need to stop. It’s just like any time. I want to make that clear.”

"All right."

“And afterwards, I’ll take care of you. Sometimes people feel real down after this, so I’ll make sure that doesn’t happen. Is there anything you know you'll want afterwards?”

“Will you hold me?”

“Of course.” This was going fine. It was hardly the first time Jesper did this. Yet trying it with Wylan made him shaky and uncertain about everything.

“What about you?” Wylan asked.

“What?”

“Don’t you need things afterwards?”

“I’ll need you to talk to me,” Jesper said. “Let me know what you liked and anything you didn’t like. I usually need some reassurance after I’ve been a dom or a sadist.” When he realized what he said, he could have smacked himself. “Not that I’m going to do anything sadistic! I meant, ah…”

Wylan’s gaze was so warm he could have melted. “It’s okay, Jesper. I’m ready.”

“All right.”

“Should I get undressed now?” Wylan asked. “Or do you want to tie me first?”

“Merchling, it’d be hard to get your shirt off over bound hands.”

“Oh.” His gaze darted to the shears again. “Right.”

“You… want me to cut your clothes off?”

“Oh, um, no.”

“If you do, we could try that next time.”

“Well, maybe. If it isn’t too weird.”

Jesper snorted. “I’m about to tie you to the bed. We’re past worrying about ‘weird.’ If you’re interested in something, just ask.”

“Sure.” Wylan didn’t meet his gaze.

He definitely seemed to be in an odd state—completely at ease with what they’d agreed to do, but not relaxed enough to talk about what he wanted. Hopefully that would come with time.

Eyes averted, Wylan undressed. Then he glanced up, and his face turned bright pink.

Jesper chuckled. “Why are you blushing like I’ve never seen you naked before?”

“Because you’re still dressed.”

That was an easy change to make. Jesper took off his clothes so fast he’d daresay he broke a record. Then he let his gaze run over Wylan. “You’re still blushing.”

“You like it when I blush.”

“I do.” Jesper stepped closer to him. “Are you ready to try this?”

“Yes.”

He guided Wylan to the bed and carefully tied each of his wrists, then fastened the ropes to the headboard. “How does this feel?”

“Good.”

Jesper breathed a little easier and admired his handiwork. Wylan looked good tied to the bed. He seemed so comfortable with this, too. They should have experimented much sooner.

“Um…”

Instantly alert, Jesper met his gaze. “Yes?”

Wylan blushed again. “Aren’t you going to tie my legs?”

“Do you want me to?”

“Well, yes.”

They were going to need to work on negotiation. Apparently his interpretation of what Wylan meant by _tie me to the bed_ wasn’t quite accurate. He gently tied his ankles to the bedposts.

Then he touched Wylan’s feet, which made him squirm against his restraints. “Remember, if anything doesn’t feel right, let me know.”

“I will.”

“How are we doing?”

“I feel fine.”

“Are you enjoying this?” Jesper asked, a little anxious.

“Yes…”

The slight hesitation was impossible to miss. “What is it, Wy?”

Wylan muttered something inaudible.

“I couldn’t hear you.”

“I said, don’t you think my legs should be spread a little more?” Wylan asked, his face scarlet.

Jesper grinned. “That can be arranged.”

#

Once Wylan was bound to his satisfaction, Jesper stepped back to look him over. Ropes crisscrossed Wylan’s pale skin and held him in place. The blush that wouldn’t fade from his cheeks made it all the better.

This was what Jesper dreamed of, and Wylan was even more beautiful like this than he hoped.

“How do you feel?” he asked his gorgeous, restrained merchling.

“Helpless,” Wylan murmured.

Jesper’s heart leaped into his throat. “Is that a good thing?”

“Mmm.”

“Wylan,” he said, a little louder, “is it a good thing?”

“Yes.” If anything, Wylan sounded a little cranky at being asked again. “I feel good.”

“How do the ropes feel?”

“Fine.” His eyelids fluttered closed and he made another murmuring sound. “You could do anything to me.”

He was full of surprises tonight. Jesper made a mental note to prioritize their discussion of cuffs. And a spreader bar. And a whole lot of other things, because if Wylan felt this way about restraints, maybe he’d be interested in trying more. Jesper's assessment of things he could try with Wylan was rapidly expanding from _light bondage as long as it doesn’t sound scary_ to _I’ll ask about every fantasy I’ve ever had._

“Who’d have thought an innocent merchling would be kinky?” he asked with a grin.

Wylan let out a sound that was practically a whine.

Jesper strolled closer, eyes on him the entire time, until he was right at the edge of the bed. “Want something from me?”

“Don’t tease me!” Wylan squirmed, although he was too firmly bound for it to do anything but be adorable.

“Are you ready for me to touch you now?” Jesper asked, as he took a quick assessment of Wylan’s bound limbs to make sure there weren’t any visible problems he was keeping to himself. Everything looked good.

When he finished his lookover, he didn’t have an answer.

He returned his gaze to Wylan’s face. “Wylan? Can I touch you?”

“Oh. Yes.”

“I won’t if you don’t want me to.” Staring at Wylan bound like this was more than he’d dreamed would be possible.

“I _do_ want you to… I just don’t want to say it.”

Jesper sighed. At the rate they were going, they’d have to stop and renegotiate. Maybe they should have set up a safe word system after all. “Wylan—”

“Fine. Yes. Touch me.”

This was definitely something they’d have to discuss later.

“Don’t worry,” he whispered, overcome as he looked at Wylan bound on the bed. “We’ll talk about all of this later, and I’ll give you everything you want.”

Wylan’s sudden dazzling smile nearly made Jesper come apart.

But he kept a grip on himself. He wasn’t nearly ready to stop playing with Wylan just yet. He reached down and touched Wylan’s leg.

Wylan jerked and strained against the ropes so hard Jesper pulled his hand back. “Wylan?”

“Don’t stop,” Wylan said, his words a strangled gasp. “Please don’t stop now!”

So Jesper touched him again and ran his fingers up his leg to his thigh, delighting at the way Wylan squirmed and his chest heaved in shallow pants for breath. He’d definitely been far too worried about this scaring Wylan off.

#

Jesper cast the ropes aside and scooped Wylan into his arms. “How was that?”

He knew what the answer was for him: amazing, perfect, sublime. They hadn’t had sex that good in ages. It was more than getting to fulfill his longtime fantasy. For the first time since Wylan started giving him that empty smile, it felt like they truly connected.

Wylan snuggled against him. “It was wonderful."

“I’m so glad you think so, merchling. Here.” Jesper handed him the water he’d brought to the bedroom beforehand. “You should eat and drink something.”

Wylan obediently drank the water, but when Jesper offered him a chocolate pastry from the plate he’d assembled, he opened his mouth to be fed.

Jesper snorted and placed the pastry in his mouth. “Spoiled.”

“You spoiled me.”

“You deserve to be spoiled.” Jesper kissed away some of the sugar around his lips.

Wylan opened his mouth for another bite, and Jesper complied. “Jes, why are we eating pastries?”

“It helps. Trust me.”

He leaned back against the pillows. “Does this mean you used to be with other people in the Barrel… eating pastries?”

“Well, not _pastries_ , but sugar, chocolate when possible.”

“I don’t understand, but I won’t object.”

With a smile, Jesper held out another pastry.

This time, Wylan took it in his hand. “Jesper?”

“Yes?”

“Shouldn’t you have some too?”

“I guess. I mean, you’re my main concern. You’re the one who was tied up.”

Wylan held the pastry out. “Eat.”

Jesper tried to take it, but Wylan wouldn’t relinquish it, so he rolled his eyes and let him feed him a pastry.

Wylan giggled, and that made Jesper laugh, and then they were just holding each other and laughing and snacking. Saints, it would look ridiculous to an outsider, the two of them lying in bed naked, a pile of ropes on the floor next to them, eating a plate of pastries.

“I’m so glad you enjoyed it,” Jesper said, once only crumbs remained. “I was afraid to ask you about this for so long. But… you really liked it?”

“Mmm.” Wylan closed his eyes.

“I enjoyed it too. A lot. You looked incredible like that.”

He giggled softly and cuddled closer.

“You were great,” Jesper said. “I hope we can do it again sometime, or maybe try more things together.”

“Mmhmm.”

“What about me?” he asked, a little nervous about what the answer would be. “Did I do a good job?” There must have been a time when he touched Wylan in a way he didn’t like, or was a little too rough, or said something that bothered him.

“You were amazing.”

“You’re sure?”

“Mmhmm.”

“If you didn’t like anything, you can tell me.”

Silence.

“Merchling?” He glanced over.

Wylan was sound asleep, a smile on his face.

Jesper chuckled and tugged the blankets up over them. At least Wylan was happy. After everything he’d feared might happen if they took this path, it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. He wrapped his arms around Wylan and let himself drift into sleep.


	5. Communication

Wylan woke up feeling refreshed, renewed, and happy. Even though Jesper had insisted on him vocalizing his consent, it felt wonderful to be bound in front of him, safe despite the thrill of helplessness, not knowing where Jesper’s hands would go or what he’d do, completely at his mercy.

It also left him confused about why Jesper had reacted so badly to his request. He acted like tying him up was a perfectly reasonable thing to do and want. He seemed pleased that Wylan enjoyed it and encouraged him to make his desires known.

So what made his fantasy worse?

Wylan fiddled with the edge of the blanket. Maybe it was the way he phrased it, asking if Jesper would take advantage of him. Was _ravish_ the polite term?

“Morning, merchling.”

He rolled onto his side and smiled. “Good morning.”

Jesper gazed into his eyes. “Did you enjoy last night?”

“Yes, a lot.”

“Can we talk about it in more detail soon? You fell asleep on me afterwards, silly merchling.”

Wylan froze. “I'm sorry! You said you’d need to talk afterwards.” He’d felt so good, he’d completely forgotten. “I ate your pastries and fell asleep like a jerk. I’m sorry!”

Jesper laughed. “Well, you did say I was amazing, so I can’t complain.”

“I’ll do better next time.”

“You want a next time, then?”

“Definitely.”

“I’m glad. Was there anything in particular you liked?”

“I loved how helpless I felt.”

“I got that impression.”

Wylan glanced over. There was no sign of concern or judgment in Jesper’s face. “So maybe you could… make it so I feel even more helpless next time?”

“Oh yes.” Jesper grinned. “If that’s what you like, that’s what we’ll do. And if you don’t like me checking in on you, we can work with that.”

All of Wylan’s dreams felt within reach. Maybe he could afford to be bold and ask for the things he wanted. “You also mentioned something about being a sadist. If you like inflicting pain, I want to try that.”

“You do?” Jesper looked astounded. He shook his head. “And here I was terrified of how you’d react to this.”

Wylan blinked. “Terrified?”

“I thought you’d be afraid. I was so scared I might lose you.”

“Even if I didn’t understand, I’d always hear you out.”

“I’m sorry.” Jesper reached out and stroked his cheek. “The thought of losing you drove me crazy. From now on, let’s promise to be open and honest with each other from now on, no matter what it’s about.”

“I agree.”

For a while, they lay together in silence, and Wylan tried to work out the best way to ask what made his fantasies different. Maybe he hadn’t expressed himself well.

Jesper nudged him. “So when did you figure it out?”

“What?”

“That I was kinky.”

Wylan frowned.

“You don’t have to tell me, I’m just curious.”

“Uh…” Was this a trick question? “When you called me into the parlor to explain kink to me.”

“No, no.” Jesper shook his head. “I mean, when did you first start to realize I was into something like that?”

Wylan stared at him.

“I thought it might be the flogging joke, but I wasn’t sure.”

“What are you talking about?”

It was Jesper’s turn to frown. “You were acting strange around me for a while. It was because you’d realized I was into weird stuff, right?”

“No.” Wylan sat straight up against the pillows. “It was because of my fantasies.”

Jesper looked bewildered. “What fantasies?”

“Haven’t you been treating me differently because you figured it out?”

“Figured _what_ out? I was worried about how to act around you because I thought you were uncomfortable with my interests.”

“What? I had no idea. Besides, I’m always comfortable with you. Honestly, if you said ‘let me tie you up tonight’ without all the buildup, I’d have probably just trusted you and gone along with it.”

Jesper hugged him and chuckled. “Sweet words, but you _did_ worry that I’d take advantage of you.”

Wylan froze. He thought… what?

“I appreciate what you’re saying, though.”

What?

“Wylan? Are you okay?”

“Jesper,” he said, a little faint, “do you mean that when I asked if you’d take advantage of me, you thought I was worried about it?”

“Weren’t you?”

Oh. _Oh._ Wylan pressed his face against Jesper’s shoulder to hide his blush. He hadn’t conveyed his fantasy well at all.

“What is it?” Jesper asked.

“I…” Wylan hesitated. There was still a chance that it was too weird, something that made him broken—

“Didn’t we just agree to be open and honest with each other?”

Right. This was no time to keep hiding things. He took a deep breath. “It wasn’t a fear. It was a request.”

Jesper didn’t say anything.

“Should I have said ‘ravish’ instead?”

Silence.

Wylan risked a glance at his baffled expression. “I just have these fantasies of you… forcing me. I know it’s weird, but—”

“No, no. I haven’t done that before, but it’s not weird.”

“It isn’t?”

“It’s actually a pretty common fantasy, from what I understand.” Jesper covered his face. “I feel like an idiot. I really need to stop worrying about your innocence.”

“What does my innocence have to do with this?”

“I built up this image of you in my mind as someone who would be scared of this stuff.” He lifted his head. “You know I have a stash of equipment back at the Barrel that I was afraid to bring here in case you ever saw it?”

Equipment? The thought sent a shiver of delight through Wylan.

“And here you were trying to tell me your needs and I couldn’t connect the pieces because I thought I already knew.”

Wylan offered him a wry smile. “To be fair, I kept it a secret for a long time.”

“But if I hadn’t kept _my_ secret for so long, maybe you’d have been more comfortable talking about it.”

“I could say the same thing. If I’d even told you I wanted you to be rough”—his cheeks heated, but he continued on anyway—“maybe you’d have opened up to me sooner.”

“Part of me was convinced that if I didn’t treat you gently, you’d leave me. I should have trusted you, merchling.”

“And I should have—” Wylan stopped. “Why are we arguing over whose fault this is?”

“Good point. We have more important things to discuss.” Jesper edged closer with a smirk and let his fingers dance across Wylan’s skin. “So about these fantasies of yours…”

#

Jesper couldn’t entirely bring himself to accept that that this wasn’t a long, incredible dream.

After all his fears about mentioning kink at all, his precious merchling had just described in great detail—blushing the entire time, but with obvious excitement—the ways he imagined Jesper forcing him.

And his gaze held nothing but trust. “If it’s not possible, I’ll understand. Just restraining me helped a lot.”

“Don't worry.” Jesper leaned close to kiss him. “It can be done.”

“Really?”

Saints, to see him so happy… He’d have brought up kink ages ago if he’d known it would lead to Wylan smiling like _that._ Of course, what he wanted had risks, especially for someone whose only experience with kink was one night of bondage and a lot of dreams.

“We should take it slowly,” Jesper said. “Is that all right?”

Wylan laughed. “I thought I couldn’t have it ever, and you think I’m going to be upset about taking it slow?”

“I should stop underestimating you.”

“You should.” He snuggled close. “Where do we start?”

“With what? Me not underestimating you?”

“No!”

Jesper grinned. “Well, I think we should start by adding safe words.”

“Safe words?”

“They’re signals we can give each other if we need to stop or discuss something. Basically, ways to say ‘stop’ or ‘slow down’ or ‘I’m okay’ without actually saying those things.”

“I like the sound of that.”

“After last night, I figured you would.” Jesper ran his fingers through Wylan’s soft curls. “That will make it safe for us to move on to resistance.”

Wylan’s cheeks reddened as he admitted, “I _really_ like the sound of that.”

“Verbal resistance first?” Jesper asked. “I figure we can start like that and add more elements slowly, so we can comfortably reach the level of force you want.”

“That sounds good.”

“Good.”

“And pain?” Wylan glanced up at him. “I meant what I said earlier. I want to try that.”

“Of course, my masochistic merchling.”

“I can’t wait.”

Something would go wrong. It had to. Jesper stared into his adoring expression and tried to shake his sudden nerves. Could it really be this easy?

“What’s wrong?” Wylan asked.

“Nothing really. But… is there anything you’re concerned about? Or any doubts, or questions, anything? It’s all right if there is,” Jesper said. “I want to make sure we talk through everything.”

“Well…”

“Yes?”

“You said you had a box of equipment at the Barrel. I’d like you to bring it home.”

Jesper blinked. Of all things, he hadn’t expected that to be his greatest concern. “Sure, if that’s what you want.”

“I do.” Wylan’s voice grew a little shaky. “Unless you’re planning to use it with someone else—”

“You’re the only one for me now.”

“Then since it belongs to you, to _us_ , it should be in your—our—home.”

“I don’t need it,” Jesper said. “I only need you.”

Wylan reached out and cupped his cheek. “I don’t want it to feel separate. I don’t want you to think this is something you need to hide from me.”

“All right. I’ll bring it here.” Jesper cleared his throat. “And we don’t need to use everything that’s in the box. We can go through it together—or you can go through it alone—or we don’t have to go through it at all—”

“Relax.”

“Sorry. I’m still getting used to the idea of you wanting this as much as I do.”

“I do.”

Jesper lowered his voice. “I’m sure I can come up with some creative ways for you to prove that to me tonight.”

“Tonight? We’re waiting that long?”

“Ohoho!” He put his hand over his heart in mock surprise. “I’ve thoroughly corrupted you, haven’t I?”

“Hush.”

With a laugh, he rolled over to pin Wylan against the bed. “Well, my needy little merchling, we don’t have to wait.”

“Will you, ah…” Wylan’s cheeks reddened. “Will you be rough if I want you to be?”

Jesper smiled. “Just say the word.”

#

 Wylan wanted to laugh when he thought about how worried he’d been that he and Jesper were doomed to part ways. Between their newfound experimentation and the freedom of having no secrets to hide, their relationship felt better than ever.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Jesper asked.

“Yes.”

They’d finally progressed enough that they agreed it was time to try physical force. Wylan had been filled with restless energy all day long. He was nervous, but not in a bad way. He was with Jesper, which meant he was safe.

“You remember the safe words?”

“I’ve never forgotten the safe words.”

“What are they? Humor me.”

“Red if I need to stop, yellow if I want to slow down or discuss something.”

“And the signals?”

“Two fingers up to stop, one to slow down. If you squeeze my hand, I’ll squeeze back to let you know I’m fine.”

Jesper let out a long breath. “All right.”

The numerous safety systems irritated Wylan a little, but he’d accepted that they were important for this. And they were for Jesper to use when necessary, too, not just him.

Wylan kissed him. “Thank you for trying this. I love you.”

“I love you so much.”

“Do you want to run through the scene one more time?”

Jesper nodded. “That’ll help.”

“We’ll keep it simple. I’ll be in here minding my own business when you come in.”

“I’ll grab you and force you to the ground.”

“I’ll struggle,” Wylan said, “but not enough to really turn it into a fight. Then we’ll make love—”

“Really, merchling, even for _this_ you’re calling it that?”

Wylan blushed. “Well it is to me.”

“It is.” Jesper brought his lips to Wylan’s ear. “But for the purposes of this scene, I’m going to touch you, penetrate you, and use you for my pleasure.”

It was good to hear Jesper’s flirty side coming through for this. Maybe he’d be interested in more spontaneity for the next time. Wylan’s entire body felt hot, and he fought the urge to say they should get on with it already. “Then we’ll take a little time to cool down, and it’ll be over.”

“I’ll treat you to the best aftercare you ever had.”

“Me too,” Wylan said. He had a feeling that even if everything went perfectly, Jesper would need more reassurance than usual that it was what Wylan wanted and enjoyed.

“Are we ready?”

“I am.”

Jesper squeezed his shoulders. “I’ll be back soon.”

As he left the bedroom, Wylan sank into a chair and tried to calm his building nerves. They’d agree it was best to do it there to avoid any misunderstandings, but part of him wondered what it would be like to have Jesper jump him in a random corner of the mansion.

He drummed his fingers against the chair and waited.

The door opened, and his heart leaped into his throat. Jesper strolled in with such a wicked smile he looked for all the world like the part he was supposed to play. Wylan’s heart hammered, and he stood up. The exhilaration of feeling safe and in danger at the same time made him lightheaded.

Jesper crossed the gap in an instant. His strong arms forced Wylan to the floor, one knee between his legs to push them apart. Adrenaline crashed through Wylan, along with an easing of tension he didn’t know he had. He didn’t have to put up a constant pretense of strength with Jesper like he did with the Merchant Council. He could let it drop entirely.

He could let it be torn down.

Jesper held him in place with a low chuckle that set his nerves on fire. He squirmed and tried to break away. Jesper gave his hand a quick squeeze, and he squeezed back. Everything was okay.

A whimper escaped Wylan as Jesper groped him. He felt so vulnerable—and so safe.

More than just physically safe. Jesper never judged him. He didn’t judge him for being unable to read, and he didn’t judge him for wanting this.

There were people who wouldn’t understand. But pinned down by Jesper, Wylan knew this was exactly where he wanted to be—and that being together was where the two of them belonged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SWEET WHOLESOME FLUFF! Cute BDSM fluff is a thing!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this one, although it's a bit different than my usual stories.
> 
> (Do you know how hard it is to write one like this when you don't write explicit scenes?)
> 
> Expect more Wylan/Jesper fluff from me soon!


End file.
